This may or may not be the most challenging post I will ever write. Not only is it about time for me to go into depth over my journey across the world (ok, halfway across the world) and how it resulted in me living on the East Coast again six months later… but, I should probably come to terms with some of the outcomes in or with myself.
So, in a “Classic Nadia” maneuver, I am going to bail on telling you that depressing story just now. Instead, someone who I love and respect very much has suggested that I share a little of my dream journaling here on the blog and see how that goes over. Perhaps there will be a future blog dedicated to this crazy shit that goes on in my head as I sleep. All I can say is that Freud would have a damn field day with this information.
I was pulling up to the house I grew up in – in Newington. I was driving (alone) in a pickup truck with a large teddy bear hanging over the cab and I think it was planted in the bed of the truck – so it was pretty big. I felt there to be an association with Evan’s wedding. I felt like I was coming home. I was elated. I remember Eric saying something- either in front of that house or in my head- along the lines of “hey, how come I never get to do that?” He seemed to feel left out. I just remember so much happiness about the homecoming and so much relief. Dan was somehow associated with the situation, though I am not sure how or why. … I went to bed scared (the Anna situation) and woke up very slowly with a feeling of contentment and happy in a calm way.
Big old creepy house. Southern. Feelings of waiting and competing. Mailman Many locking doors. Later, I added: At one point I felt like I was being scrutinized, waiting to be scolded for going to retrieve the mail— but I was not. I just remember how hard it was to lock the multifaceted door. They were large, locks at top and bottom, old raggity curtains, and were part of a huge old building. Not a home, just a “place”. There was a big parking lot where I watched the others go back and forth from their car to the inside.. knowing they were doing the same as me. At one point I was walking out from a parking garage, took a left instead of right, and ran into this woman who said “it was you, you are the naked girl I see all the time”. She points at this large apartment building (very modern looking) and says that you can see in from the outside, in to every unit, and you can see everything. I felt like I had been being watched in my most private moments and it turned me upside down. I felt violated. I told someone else about this encounter (perhaps heather) and it seemed to be no big deal. Dan was driving me around for a period of time around a different parking lot and we were searching for an amusement park. They were to close in 30 minutes but we spent so much time scouring and looking for what we wanted that they ended up closing before we go it. Went to bed totally out of sorts (issues with Dan and ethical dilemma about sleeping @ the house with Eric/dogs/kids. Woke up a little startled and had to remove myself to collect my thoughts. No drinking the night before.
Woke up at 4:44. Again at 6. Dreamt about excavations in living room. Big hole that churned dirt and sucked in from the outside. Tessa got startled and fell in by accident. I wake as I struggle to pull her out.
Considering travel. With a man who is wealthy confident. Wearing a jean skirt and odd sandals? It’s his culture I decide. Were at a bar contemplating Italy. He tells me I can do anything I want. I leave to go find a drink.
I begin crawling on hands and knees around dilapidated pool tables. It smells. I can’t stand because I slip and fall so I have to crawl. Some others must do the same but I feel alone in my efforts.
I’m crawling to reach a destination in not familiar with. The building goes into lockdown and the man I love literally helps me to my feet and comforts me that it’ll be ok. When we are told to exit the building we don’t know why but we obey. I find Persephone chained to a street bench or pole in front of a school? She has been left there so she won’t run away and so she will be safe. I slowly untie her and soothe her, she looks terrified and exhausted.
I’m on top of him on the couch. I’m being loved on. He talks of meeting his family and going here or there with him. He loves me and I him. He wants me to take my kids too because he enjoys having them around. I’m reluctant and excited and nervous all at once. I feel like I’m holding back but don’t know why. He still kisses and coaxes me. Then mom walks into the room and I scramble off him (I’m laying flat on top of him on a couch) to maintain my dignity.
My grandmother showed up more than once. We didn’t know she was outside waiting to be let in. She just wanted to help and to see us.
Went to bed sober with a sense of loss (re dan). Think I’ve come to terms with the loss but it’s still not easier. Woke at 444 feeling startled and in a panic. More slowly at 6 even though my last image was pulling Tessa from sinking sand. The dreams feel so heavy with despair and sorrow… So much panic and loss.
Really disturbing dream.. I dreamt that this guy I was with. Not loved and not dan or anyone I know now… Was having sex with Alex or maybe not Alex but my child. I asked why over and over again. He said why not. She’s in a safe comfortable environment. I probed and kept asking why. Nothing. I don’t understand and I dont understand why he is unmoved by my horrification.
Different time in the dream.. I went down on someone. Might of been the guy above? He came quickly and without warning in my mouth. I did it for reasons that make him happy not me. And to make someone else jealous. Who? I was disgusted with him and with myself.
Different segment……I’m with him. The one. I’m upset but calmer than I was. We are at the movies surrounded by people. The movie starts. I let him pick it and it’s a classic action film. Them I show him my text messages and say “as soon as I started crying about 15 people texted me … It’s like they know I am not ok”. He was mortified and says you were crying? why? He is genuinely concerned. I play dumb and I evade him I am ashamed? Embarrassed? I don’t want him to know why I was crying… I think it was because of him? He loves me. He gives me that I care about you look. I make an excuse and shuffle out of the theater. I don’t let him follow.
Went up bed late and upset re: Dan has ended it. He doesn’t want me or my life to mesh with his. Had several beers. I feel foggy tired and sad.
I’m in a mountain and living in a cabin. We don’t get snowed in at this area of the mountain but my mom is concerned we will. I recall this being a topic of my phone conversation with her. I am surrounded by friends here and lots of love. I feel at home.
I talk with my friends about the treacherous driving on the days where the weather gets dicey, we agree that the cliffs are hard to drive or look down from at times. They don’t seem to bother me now. We are talking as we are on public transportation somewhere.. a train? A bus?
Scene changes – I’m trying to be convinced to buy a jeep. The economics of it doesn’t make sense to me but my co-workers/boss won’t back down. They tell me I live too far from the office and “just buy one”.
At some point, I’m waiting for food delivery, and I am absolutely starving.
The scene changes. I have a massive living room. I’ve been here before in dream, many times. Again, a sense of home and my own space. Other people keep coming into it and I try to help accommodate them but I know it’s my space. I keep the curtains open, I love the light. I feed them. I comfort them when they are in my space.
The dream changes. I get an email from one of Eric’s friends. He tells me to look at his comments or a photograph posted on April 12th. I do not now see an importance regarding that date. He remarks about this one, as it urks him – he says it’s been bothering him or eating him. In my dream, I know what he’s speaking of- it’s a photo of Eric, maybe a photo of us or of him and kids, and it’s no longer the truth. He’s no longer my husband nor my love.
I am walking up behind a black pickup truck.. It is newer, and parked in our driveway. It is surrounded by other cars. Theres a cooler on the ground behind it. He comes out to find me (the one, its Dan as I know him to be). He is cheerful and tells me he won’t take shower with me, it doesn’t make sense. He changes his mind. Of course we will, a “duh” look crosses his face. He says that as long as we go to the Eco cottage, where no one can hear us over the noise of the generator, of course he will shower with me. He’s light and happy. He loves me.
We live in our house. There’s a party occurring. He’s in the center of the house, which displays an outdoor patio … it is surrounded by glass doors that open to our home. He is sitting with friends and laughing, being loud, and discussing who is the best villainous actor. I hear Vince Vaughn. I laugh. I head outside to empty the vacuum because I was cleaning up as people were enjoying the party. It was one of those cheap roller vacuum type things that they have at restaurants. I find the compartment of the vacuum missing it’s cover and when I go to empty it, I realize it hasn’t been picking anything up as I used it. It feels humorous and ironic but doesn’t bother me in the least. I feel good. I feel whole. We are in the mountains but it’s not cold. Not jungle. It’s dry. I have never been anywhere like it. Arizona type climate without the heat? I wake up feeling love. Only one beer before bed, stayed up really late painting, and feeling a mixture of worry and content with the day’s events.